Delusions of Adequacy

I hesitate to even classify this song as a hymn. I doubt whether it was written as one, and I've heard it in church exactly one time in my life; still, it makes an occasional appearance in hymnals, so I feel I'm on reasonably solid morphological grounds here.

The song is "The Church in the Wildwood," and there seem to be many versions of it. Most of the ones I've found follow these lyrics, though I have found some -- here and here, for example -- that have additional verses that make it a bit more pious.

Still, those extra verses referring to the Savior and heavenly treasures are very much an exercise in making silk purses from sows' ears. They simply cannot atone for the relentless sentimentality, the greeting-card nostalgia, or the laser-focused self-centeredness of the chorus:

No spot is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale.

Well, that's what church is all about, isn't it? Kindling your childhood memories? Tugging at the ol' heartstrings? Let's just lay aside all that foofaraw about crosses and amazing grace and concentrate on what really matters: a Hallmark moment with the family all dressed in their Sunday best, and going to church twice a year whether we need it or not.