Delusions of Adequacy

Moby wants to secede.

can someone remind me why secession is not an option at this point? i mean let's be realistic, we live in a divided country. can't we have the breakaway republics of 'north-east-istan' and 'pacific-stan'? wouldn't the red states be happier without us?
we could still travel freely and trade freely with them, but can't we just leave?

You can leave, but don't think you're going to force us to keep trading with you, or that we're going to let you back in.

Moby goes on to try bribing the red states with farm animals.

will you let us secede if we buy each and every person in the rest of the united states a donkey? you'd like to have your own friendly donkey, wouldn't you?

I'm not sure what this is supposed to do for us... here in the south, we've had cars for a good couple of decades now, along with various other newfangled contraptions like "tractors" and "combines" and big metal things that actually tie hay into bundles so you don't have to walk around the field with a pitchfork all day. I reckon Moby might be worried that we won't know what to do when them horseless carriages and suchlike start sputterin' and stop workin', but I've heard tell of a few of them rednecks as is right handy with advanced Yankee technology like the internal combustion engine.

Moby offers to bring the material wealth of the blue states to Canada as a sort of transnational dowry:

the benefits to you: ...money. cold hard cash. the red states in the u.s might have the voting power, but guess who has the money? yup, your friendly neighborhood blue states.
so when/if you accept our offer you will instantly become the richest country in the world! that sounds pretty good, right?

How rich are you going to be, Moby, when Americans -- sorry, Redstaters -- stop buying the monotonous compilations of parasitic sampling you call your "albums"? Without us, you might have to get a job.

You know, when the red states tried to secede, back in the 1860's, the blue states invaded us to keep us in the Union. Back then, they had all the heavy industry and military bases.

Things have changed.

So once the Second Civil War is over, and the Red States have triumphed over the Blue (a contest that I predict will last approximately 24.7 minutes), I guess we'll have Blue Staters (call 'em Bluenecks) tooling around with Birkenstock racks in the rear windows of their Volvos, with bumper stickers reading KERRY CONCEDED, I DIDN'T and THE NORTH WILL RISE AGAIN.

It'd almost be worth it to see that.